""Since I'm a relationship researcher, a lot of my single friends ask me, “What should I look for in a partner?”
A
complete answer to this question can take a while and is largely
dependent on who is asking. Do you like to party? Your relationship will
go more smoothly if you find someone who is similarly outgoing. Are you an animal-rights activist? You should probably find someone who doesn’t aspire to buying a fur coat.
But regardless of who is asking, there is one particular trait that is always crucial, something that I think everyone should look for in a partner: responsiveness.
A responsive partner is someone who makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for.
Find a responsive partner and everything else can fall into place; it's
like relationships on easy mode. But a lot of people have a hard time
separating responsive partners from "nice" partners. Responsiveness has
nothing to do with how willing someone is to wine-and-dine you or say
flattering things to you. It's about how they react in more vulnerable,
emotionally-charged moments. When their goals
come into conflict with yours, how do they deal with the problem? Say
you get a job offer a couple hours away from where you currently live. A
responsive partner would first think about your perspective
(“Congratulations!”) and then try to find a solution to the geographic
challenge, whereas a less-responsive partner might suddenly turn
self-absorbed jerk (“I like it here! We can't move and that’s that!”).
As
you can imagine, it’s easier to work out relationship issues, big and
small, with a partner who’s more responsive rather than less.
How
about when you share something personal with your partner, maybe a
setback you’ve encountered or a disappointing experience you’ve had? A
responsive partner is likely to listen and try to understand (“That must
have felt awful. Then what happened?”), while a less-responsive one
might dismiss or downplay your experience and try to push the
conversation back to “safer” territory (“Wow, that sucks. Hey, do you
want to get Mexican food tonight?”).
It’s easier to feel closer
and more connected to a responsive partner, because they’re easier to
talk to and share meaningful experiences with.
To find someone who is responsive to your needs, here are 3 key behaviors to watch for:
1. Understanding.
Highly
responsive partners pay attention while you share your perspective, and
try to properly understand what you are communicating. Understanding
partners often ask questions in an attempt to gather more information,
so that they can better comprehend your point of view. They may also
summarize and paraphrase your perspective, to ensure that their
understanding is accurate (“So what you’re saying is…”).
2. Validating.
Responsive partners make you
feel that your perspectives are valid and respected. They may say things
like, “I completely understand why you feel that way,” or, “I can see
why that would be a frustrating experience.” Thus, responsive partners
make you feel respected and supported. In the context of a disagreement,
validation doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner gives in to you
every time. But a responsive partner can make you feel like your views
are valid even while they’re standing their ground—“I know my family can
be a bit taxing, and I can see why you aren’t thrilled about an
extended visit. But it is the holidays, so I think they would be hurt if
we didn’t make time for them."
3. Caring.
Finally,
responsive partners will make it clear that they are concerned about
your wellbeing, even in the context of a conflict. They often do this by
expressing affection, or by communicating concern (“I hope I didn’t
hurt you by saying that”). Responsive partners may also show their
concern and support in more instrumental ways—for example, by bringing
you soup when you’re sick. Of course, having already put effort into
understanding your needs, responsive people are in a better position to
care for you in a particularly sensitive, helpful way because they
really do understand what you’re going through.
The situation does play a role in determining how responsive someone is. Someone under a lot of stress
is not going to be nearly as responsive at that moment as they are when
they’re not. Responsiveness can also vary from relationship to
relationship—people, logically, tend to be more responsive toward
partners when they are in more satisfying relationships, and when they
feel that their partners are more responsive toward them in return. So
part of having a responsive partner is being a responsive partner yourself!
All
this said, there are definitely individual differences in how
responsive a person typically is. Find someone who is skilled (and
motivated) at responding sensitively to your feelings and your needs,
and you are likely to have a much more rewarding relationship."
Fonte:
Psychology Today
